One thing that I have learned in my pregnancy, and I know it will be the same for motherhood, that nothing goes as plan. You can have everything all perfectly planned out, and a list of perfected ideals of how you think things are going to go. But you might as well throw that out the window, because things never go as plan, that's life. Reading all the pregnancy books, progressing in my pregnancy, and mapping out my birth plan, I had this perfected envision of what my pregnancy would be like. Well now that I only have a few weeks left, I'm starting to realize that this perfected envision is pretty much a pipe dream. And it's just better to go with the flow and realize that things never go as planned.
I know I have complained quite a bit in my blog, and you may think otherwise, but generally, my pregnancy has been pretty good, I had morning sickness, but it was manageable, and I loved the second trimester, some days I forgot I was pregnant. And then came the third trimester, where I feel like the shit has hit the fan. Ok, maybe not. I guess I just thought I would have a "normal" pregnancy" like most people. But now I'm beginning to think there is no such thing a normal. The high blood pressure such started around 30 weeks, in a normal pregnancy you only have to see the doctor twice a month until the last four weeks of pregnancy. Well lucky me I get to see the doctor twice a week, and get non-stress test done. And then I have to get test after test just to check up on things to make sure everything is ok. Like pee in a container for 24 hours. I got to do it again yesterday! Fun! (Not really) If nothing else I'm glad the baby is doing good despite my blood pressure. Then two weeks ago I got put on bed rest, working from home for 4 hours a day again because of the high blood pressure. This set up was short lived when yesterday my blood pressure sky rocketed, and I called the doctor and they told me to go to Labor and Delivery. As soon as I got the phone call, I got myself in panic mode. I was freaking out, thinking able I going to be having a baby this weekend? I can't even describe every thought that was running through my head at that moment. Now if I were to give birth this weekend the baby should be fine, I'm considered full term this Tuesday, but still it scared the crap out of me, because that moment was not part of the "plan", I had envisioned in my mind as the ideal birthing experience. My ideal plan is to not be induced, not to have to use pain meds, not to have a c-section, and to have the baby around 40 weeks. Yes, now I'm starting to laugh at this plan because I realize of course most people ideally would like their birthing experience to be that way, but of course life has other plans and it doesn't go that way. I sadly started to realize this yesterday. Luckily my blood pressure went down and there was my little guy is still baking which I'm glad. But the doctor told me that I had to be put on strict bed rest, so that means no more working from home, and no cooking, cleaning, etc. Again another plan that has failed, I wanted to take 12 weeks off of work. Well since I've been put on bed rest, my FMLA starts now, since I was working four hours in a day, I was using less FMLA, which means two weeks of work, I'm only using one week of FMLA. Well that was short lived, so at this point I'll probably only have 8 weeks with the baby after he is born until I have to go back to work. And I was wanting 12 weeks! Such as life.
I was also hoping I wouldn't have to get induce. Another thing that is going off my plan. When I started to get high blood pressure, the doctor mentioned that I may have to get induced at 39 weeks. The thought upset me, because I really don't want to be induced, because I know this makes labor more painful, and more of a possibility of having to get a c-section if induction causes distress on the baby. I was hopeful last Monday when my blood pressure was amazing (I'm beginning to think it was a fluke that day, because apparently I was spilling protein in my urine and the nurse was new and didn't have the blood pressure pump thing on me very tight) and the doctor said that maybe induction didn't have to happen at 39 weeks, if everything continued to look good. But then my blood pressure started creeping up again, and I was spilling protein again on Thursday. So the doctor told me yesterday, if my protein test comes back over 300, that I may have to get induced at 37 weeks. Which also scares the crap out of me consider that is next week! I won't find out the results of my urine test until this Monday. So again, my original plan of wanting to have this baby around 39-40 weeks, is most likely going out the window. And being induced at this point is looking like a 80% possibility.
So at this point I know it's just better to go with the flow, and let things happen. Earlier in my pregnancy, I filled out a birth plan, and was so insistent on wanting to make sure that I used it when I went into labor. But now I've realized at this point just want to have a healthy baby, that a birth plan at this point has been thrown out the window.
And I've pretty much have made this song the theme song of my pregnancy:
Twilight by the Twilight Singers
It's called Twilight by the Twilight Singers, and the main chorus of the song, which I keep singing in my head over and over again is "everything's gonna be alright..."And it makes me feel better because I realize despite all the plans I have laid out, it's not going to go to plan but regardless everything is going to be alright.