Saturday, July 30, 2011

Pregnancy is not good for the self esteem

Pregnancy Life Lesson #3- While I'm excited to be expecting, pregnancy is seriously is not good for my self esteem. I feel like it's slowly depleting as each day goes by.

I hope I get to the point where I will feel good about myself, but I feel like right now I'm at the awkward stage of just looking like I'm fat and developing a beer gut. I can't wait to get to the stage of actually having a cute round baby bump, but knowing how this is going I'll probably just look like a bloated up whale balloon and never really have that cute baby bump.

It's kind of weird that when I found out I was pregnant it seemed as though I instantly noticed changes to my body that I was completely oblivious to before. It seemed that my belly seemed to become bloated and huge instantly. By five weeks, I could barely snap my pants together. They were very snug. And now I can't button my pants at all. So this is why I went ahead and ordered the belly belt:

Isn't it a snazzy little invention? Note that is not a picture of my belly, but it might as well be because sadly it looks that big already. Right now I have the awkward look of extreme muffin top overflowing. It really saddens me. Every time I look myself in the mirror without clothes on, I practically scream, I just discover a new piece of flab each day. It's really a horrifying sight. If you didn't know I was pregnant, you would think I've eaten too many ice cream bars this summer. Of course anytime I mention that I feel fat, I get the friendly response "Oh, Megan be quiet, you're pregnant, you have a good excuse." But really is being pregnant a good excuse to feel and look fat? I know I probably don't look that fat, it just looks worst to me because I no longer can fit into my pants, but it is still depressing.Which reminds me of a friend who've I recently told her I was pregnant, and she told me that she suspected it because she noticed I was looking bigger. She said she figured I was either pregnant or pack on summer pounds like herself. So maybe being pregnant is a get out of being called fat card but it still doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

Lately I've discovered that now people know I'm pregnant, it must be assumed that all I want to do is eat, because at work it seems like a lot of people will come to my desk and bring me some food. "Oh I thought you would want this, after all your pregnant and eating for two!" Everyday I'm handed random assortment of treats, which makes me wonder do I really need to be eating all this crap or does it look like I need to be eating all this crap because my belly seems to be doubling its size in a weeks time?

Really, I haven't been eating too much more then what I ate before I was pregnant, but yet the effects are still showing on my body. I'm mad at myself I told the doctor on my first prenatal appointment that I weighed 151 as my pre-pregnancy weight. Because now it looks like I've gained ten pounds since then. I'm not really sure what my pre-pregnancy weight was before, because I didn't weight myself for awhile and my weight seems to fluctuate within 5 pounds. So I could have been more at 155 or 156 before I got pregnant, but I really have no idea. So now I look like a fat lard whose gain almost 11 pounds in the first trimester. And the first trimester isn't over for me yet, a few more weeks to go. :( I'm glad I haven't gotten lectured by the doctor yet about my weight, because really I promise I'm eating healthy, or at least semi healthy.

The only good thing that like about myself as a pregnant lady is the pregnancy "glow". Though I'm usually not feeling it most days when I get bouts of morning sickness and feel toxic and ill. Some days though I feel stunning.

Like the beginning of my pregnancy when I went to a wedding. I felt so gorgeous, haven't felt that pretty since then, maybe it will happen again, probably not, because it seems like I keep getting uglier and uglier. If nothing else I can just stare at this picture of myself in admiration of what I once looked like as a gorgeous glowing pregnant lady.

I just hope I don't forget what the old pre-pregnant Megan looks like and she isn't forever gone. I will say I was never super skinny, I always had a little belly budge on me, but know its just ridiculous how I look. Here's a picture of me before I was pregnant at Christmas 2010, I just hope one day I'll be able to fit into those pairs of jeans and cute suit jacket, because right now it's definitely not happening.

Today made me really happy because I bought some maternity pants so I have some to wear for work, and I went ahead an wore the ones I bought today, and I can get over how comfortable they are. (Way more comfortable then having the belly belt on pants that don't fit me anymore). I wonder if its bad that I'm only 10 weeks and wearing maternity pants, but at the same time I really don't care because I actually look good in them, and they are super comfortable!

Today I took a picture of my little belly bump. It makes me said when people are telling me I'm showing already, because my baby is the size of a plum if that, so really it's just more layers of fat and a fat belly that is showing. Sigh. Though I'm liking my little belly bump. I can't wait when it's a big bump.

I will say there is one thing that is boosting up my self esteem, and maybe this makes me a terrible person, but I enjoy looking at this website where you can find pics of women who are at the same amount of weeks in their pregnancy as you are. I must say it doesn't make me feel as bad when I find pictures like these:

Though this person is pregnant with there 4th kid would explain that they look this big only at 10 weeks, but it makes me feel a little better to realize that maybe I'm not that fat. Though it also makes me sad when I see pictures on there of women who are 25 weeks, and their belly is smaller than what mine is currently. Oh well I guess at this point I just need to embrace the new changes in my body, as my thighs, butt, belly, and everything else in between seem to be getting bigger at an alarming rate.

1 comment:

  1. Megan, I totally feel the same way this week. I went to my first appointment today to talk about family history and I was terrified to get on the scale. Pre-pregnancy I weighed anywhere between 153-156 (I fluctuate, too) and today I weighed 149.8 - which never happens because I'm not lucky enough to fluctuate in that direction. She said it's probably because my nausea/vomiting though. And, she tried to find the heartbeat today and couldn't hear it :( But she said that is nothing to be alarmed about at 10 weeks. So I am bummed for other pregnancy-related reasons.

    But I will agree that my pregnancy has taken a toll on my self-esteem as well! Hang in there :)