When I first found out I was pregnant, I could not believe it. Seeing the words "Pregnant" on the digital home pregnancy test just seemed so surreal. It didn't seem real. Even as I started to see my boobs get bigger, my pants get tighter, developing a new spidery sense, and getting sick every time I ate something. It still didn't really occur to me that life is growing inside of me.
I'm very cynical, I like to think of every worst case scenario, mentally preparing myself if something terrible were to happen. I'll occasionally bring up these odd scenarios to Matt and all he can do is shake his head, and say "Megan you're so morbid, who thinks of stuff like that?" I guess I feel if I expect the worst it will be less likely to happen. So of course as soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I tried to downplay my excitement and not hype myself out.(though that didn't work out too well, it's impossible to contain my excitement, it's one of my personality flaws, well maybe not a flaw, more like a quirk) I didn't want to be let down if I found out I somehow had a miscarriage. So I told myself not to think so much about the baby room, the baby clothes, the baby shower, baby names, and everything else that goes into baby preparation, because I didn't want to have all these things already and sadly have to shove it in a closet and not look at it, for it would be a painful reminder of being pregnant. And you might think now, whoa Megan, why are you so dark about this stuff? I'm sorry, it's how my mind works. As I've been reading pregnancy books, I made sure I would read the section that talked about miscarriages, reading all about the causes, different types, etc, mentally preparing myself for all the what-ifs.
I must say it was agony waiting for the ultrasound, I just wanted a confirmation that my baby is healthy, and that it is actually THERE. I'm sure I'm not the first expected mother to feel this way. But I felt like my other two appointments were a bitter disappointments. The first appointment I was hoping they would check the HCG levels, just to make sure the levels are where they need to be. To at least ease my mind. But no they only check for HGC levels if there is spotting or if there's been complications with past pregnancies. So I was really ticked off when all they did was make me pee in a cup to in fact confirm that I was pregnant. But to me knowing I'm pregnant was not enough. The more things I read in books and on the internet, the more I convinced myself that just because I got a positive result back doesn't necessary mean it's a viable pregnancy.
The second appointment was also a disappointment, I was mislead by the nurse to believe I would hear the heart beat. I was so excited because I knew if I heard the heartbeat, it would definitely be a confirmation of knowing the baby is OK and growing healthy inside of me. But no such luck, they just ran a bunch of test on me, leaving a lovely bruise on my arm as they took all my blood away to see all is I'm a carrier for all the strange diseases. That day my blood pressure was off the roof because I freaked myself out and thought I would get to hear the heartbeat. Sadly that was a disappointing day.
Though today was an glorious day. I got to say I was scared shitless to get an ultrasound and the doctor tell me she couldn't find a heartbeat on the fetus, or that I have a blight ovum (empty sac with no fetus in it) I told myself I must keep my composure and keep myself calm, so I don't have high blood pressure again. So to my awe and amazement, expecting the worst to happen, the doctor points to the screen and says "There's your baby, there's the head, and legs, and it's moving around a lot." The words melted away every ridiculous thought and worry I had. Then she shows me the heartbeat. At that moment, I realized that my pregnancy is more then just the positive sign on a home pregnancy test, that there is actually a living human being growing inside of me. The thought put me at ecstasy and joy. And I realized I was so silly to be worrying so much.
So I've made it "Facebook" official now that I know I have a healthy little baby bean growing. And I've pretty much made this blog known to the public. I must say this is a wonderful day! Now I can't wait until another 10 weeks when I get to find out the sex of the baby!
The ultrasound pics! There really is a baby in there!