Monday, October 28, 2013

Coming to terms with having to have another c-section

With Grant, I had to have an unplanned c-section. I was really hoping I would avoid having a c-section. I had it off my radar, and didn't even think there was a chance that I would even have to get one. I convinced myself since the baby was not breached that there was no other reason to even have a c-section. Being a first time mom, and not knowing what to expect, you sometimes think everything with childbirth, will go exactly as planned. But unfortunately this is not the case. I had high blood pressure, and was diagnosed with pre-e, had to get induced, but never progressed, and ended up having a c-section. When I first was told that I had to have a c-section, I didn't have much time to process that it was actually going to happen to me. Which is probably a good thing, because I think it would have just freaked me out if I got to think about for a longer period of time. Of course my first reaction was to call my mother and have her drive an hour from home to the hospital. I'm so glad she was there, since she had three c-sections herself, I felt like she would be a good person to be present, and help melt away my fears so to speak.

Looking back the c-section wasn't as terrible as I thought it was going to be. It was just very surreal. I know I've said this before in past blog entries,  but I seriously felt like a puppet on strings being tugged and pulled everything which way and direction. I think the worse part was Grant being taken away, and me not know what was wrong with him as they rushed him away to figure out why he was having issues breathing as they switched me back up. Also the feeling of complete numbness during the procedure, and afterwards was so weird. I didn't like not having any control or feeling in my body. And I was so cold afterwards. The nurse had to put 3 layers of warm blankets just to keep me warm.

It was a dramatic experience, but of course its kind of a blur now, and most of the bad parts are forgotten. I seriously believe the saying that people say "you forget about all the pain and misery during labor and pregnancy once the baby is born". Even though I forget most of the terribleness that I experience with Grant, I still was hoping to avoid a c-section with this second pregnancy. My doctor told me that a V-BAC (Vaginal birth after a c-section) was still possible. Even though the hospital that she delivers at would not do V-BACs because of the high risk, she would refer me to a high risk doctor for a second opinion. And if I could do a V-BAC, I would just deliver at a local hospital that is about a half hour away from where I live.

So for the first 6 months of my pregnancy, I remained hopeful that a V-BAC was possible. I told myself, everything was in my favor. Well I was wrong. When I went to the high risk doctor that did my ultrasound, that was actually checking for a soft-marker for Down-Syndrome that was spotted on her heart, the doctor decided to drop a bomb on me. A bomb I wasn't even asking for. He asks me if I was planning for a V-BAC. I tell him yes, and he says it probably not a possibility. He shows the ultrasound of my uterus, and says that the scarring of my c-section is very thin, and the chances of rupture is very high. I was crushed by this news. But convinced myself there still was a possibility of having a V-BAC, and that his opinion didn't matter since he wasn't my regular doctor. I consulted with other women from local facebook group about it, and they tell me to fight it and get a second opinion and how the thin uterus and chances of rupture is a scare tactic. I feel inspired that I still have a fighting chance. But then when I go to my doctor to ask her about it and see if I could get a second opinion, she tells me that basically the doctor that recommended a c-section based of my ultrasound, is a very well known doctor in the community, and if he says it, most other doctors won't go against what he says. She said she could refer me to another doctor, but the two choices were over two- three hours away. And even then those doctors may say the same thing.

I felt defeated going home from the doctor that day. Maybe I could have fought it more. Maybe I could have just went to another doctor, and acted like I never got that recommendation about my uterus being too thin. But I just felt powerless at the moment, and felt that it was a battle that I wasn't going to win, no matter how hard I try. I'm not lie, I'm really sad for the fact that I'll never get to experience a vaginal birth. I know that sounds weird, and it really doesn't matter how the baby is born. But in a way I feel like having a vaginal birth is having like wearing the big badge of courage, to say you went through hours and hours of labor and pain, and tearing to give birth to a baby. Not that getting cut open is not wearing a big badge of courage. That takes courage as well. Though I feel like there is still negative connotations with c-sections still by society. Like "Oh, you had a c-section, that is the easy way out." Or " You don't know what it's like to experience REAL childbirth". It really shouldn't matter especially considering c-section rate has increased big time recently. 32 percent all deliveries are done by c-section. But it's just sad that c-sections seem to be done by doctors more times than medically necessary. And I'm yet again apart of that statistic.

Maybe it's for the best that I am going to have to another c-section, considering now my blood pressure is acting up and I'm creepy towards pre-e again. And since that is happening, I think even if I would have tried for a VBAC, it would have ended up as a c-section. Nothing like history repeating. Even though I know what to expect this time around, the thought of a c-section freaks me out. I really don't want to go through it again. I know it won't be that terrible, but I just think just the knowing of how a c-section works, makes me dread the idea of having to do it again. But once baby comes, all that won't matter and hopefully will be a distant faded memory like it was with Grant.

Pregnancy and Childbirth is definitely not easy. I wish I was one of those people that pops out babies like nothing and have a really easy labor. Unfortunately that was not in the cards for me. But the end result is wonderful, and makes the "how" part irrelevant. Having an adorable toddler and a sweet baby, makes those c-sections seem like nothing. . .

2 comments:

  1. Big hugs!
    I found having the baby taken away right after birth to be so traumatizing. I had my daughter early, and the second she came out, they ran her to another room. I didn't see her for almost an hour. I hope they don't have to take Baby 2 from you too long if the C-section is what happens. Wish you could get your VBAC.

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  2. This made me sad for you. Not sad that you won't get to experience vaginal birth, but sad that you are sad about it. I think that c-section mamas are tough as well as mamas who have given birth vaginally. I would never tell a c-section mama that she is a failure or not empowered enough for not trying harder, and it makes me mad when people try to say that. I do wish you do get your VBAC because I think what the doctors told you is..well, frankly, a scare tactic, but I don't know if it is really worth going 2-3 hours away (unless if it is something you really want then go for it). It is not an easy stuff, and remember that you are a tough mama. I am proud of you because you are carrying this little girl of yours, and you are already taking a very good care of her. :)

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