Saturday, July 30, 2011

Pregnancy is not good for the self esteem

Pregnancy Life Lesson #3- While I'm excited to be expecting, pregnancy is seriously is not good for my self esteem. I feel like it's slowly depleting as each day goes by.

I hope I get to the point where I will feel good about myself, but I feel like right now I'm at the awkward stage of just looking like I'm fat and developing a beer gut. I can't wait to get to the stage of actually having a cute round baby bump, but knowing how this is going I'll probably just look like a bloated up whale balloon and never really have that cute baby bump.

It's kind of weird that when I found out I was pregnant it seemed as though I instantly noticed changes to my body that I was completely oblivious to before. It seemed that my belly seemed to become bloated and huge instantly. By five weeks, I could barely snap my pants together. They were very snug. And now I can't button my pants at all. So this is why I went ahead and ordered the belly belt:



Isn't it a snazzy little invention? Note that is not a picture of my belly, but it might as well be because sadly it looks that big already. Right now I have the awkward look of extreme muffin top overflowing. It really saddens me. Every time I look myself in the mirror without clothes on, I practically scream, I just discover a new piece of flab each day. It's really a horrifying sight. If you didn't know I was pregnant, you would think I've eaten too many ice cream bars this summer. Of course anytime I mention that I feel fat, I get the friendly response "Oh, Megan be quiet, you're pregnant, you have a good excuse." But really is being pregnant a good excuse to feel and look fat? I know I probably don't look that fat, it just looks worst to me because I no longer can fit into my pants, but it is still depressing.Which reminds me of a friend who've I recently told her I was pregnant, and she told me that she suspected it because she noticed I was looking bigger. She said she figured I was either pregnant or pack on summer pounds like herself. So maybe being pregnant is a get out of being called fat card but it still doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

Lately I've discovered that now people know I'm pregnant, it must be assumed that all I want to do is eat, because at work it seems like a lot of people will come to my desk and bring me some food. "Oh I thought you would want this, after all your pregnant and eating for two!" Everyday I'm handed random assortment of treats, which makes me wonder do I really need to be eating all this crap or does it look like I need to be eating all this crap because my belly seems to be doubling its size in a weeks time?

Really, I haven't been eating too much more then what I ate before I was pregnant, but yet the effects are still showing on my body. I'm mad at myself I told the doctor on my first prenatal appointment that I weighed 151 as my pre-pregnancy weight. Because now it looks like I've gained ten pounds since then. I'm not really sure what my pre-pregnancy weight was before, because I didn't weight myself for awhile and my weight seems to fluctuate within 5 pounds. So I could have been more at 155 or 156 before I got pregnant, but I really have no idea. So now I look like a fat lard whose gain almost 11 pounds in the first trimester. And the first trimester isn't over for me yet, a few more weeks to go. :( I'm glad I haven't gotten lectured by the doctor yet about my weight, because really I promise I'm eating healthy, or at least semi healthy.

The only good thing that like about myself as a pregnant lady is the pregnancy "glow". Though I'm usually not feeling it most days when I get bouts of morning sickness and feel toxic and ill. Some days though I feel stunning.

Like the beginning of my pregnancy when I went to a wedding. I felt so gorgeous, haven't felt that pretty since then, maybe it will happen again, probably not, because it seems like I keep getting uglier and uglier. If nothing else I can just stare at this picture of myself in admiration of what I once looked like as a gorgeous glowing pregnant lady.



I just hope I don't forget what the old pre-pregnant Megan looks like and she isn't forever gone. I will say I was never super skinny, I always had a little belly budge on me, but know its just ridiculous how I look. Here's a picture of me before I was pregnant at Christmas 2010, I just hope one day I'll be able to fit into those pairs of jeans and cute suit jacket, because right now it's definitely not happening.



Today made me really happy because I bought some maternity pants so I have some to wear for work, and I went ahead an wore the ones I bought today, and I can get over how comfortable they are. (Way more comfortable then having the belly belt on pants that don't fit me anymore). I wonder if its bad that I'm only 10 weeks and wearing maternity pants, but at the same time I really don't care because I actually look good in them, and they are super comfortable!

Today I took a picture of my little belly bump. It makes me said when people are telling me I'm showing already, because my baby is the size of a plum if that, so really it's just more layers of fat and a fat belly that is showing. Sigh. Though I'm liking my little belly bump. I can't wait when it's a big bump.



I will say there is one thing that is boosting up my self esteem, and maybe this makes me a terrible person, but I enjoy looking at this website where you can find pics of women who are at the same amount of weeks in their pregnancy as you are. I must say it doesn't make me feel as bad when I find pictures like these:



Though this person is pregnant with there 4th kid would explain that they look this big only at 10 weeks, but it makes me feel a little better to realize that maybe I'm not that fat. Though it also makes me sad when I see pictures on there of women who are 25 weeks, and their belly is smaller than what mine is currently. Oh well I guess at this point I just need to embrace the new changes in my body, as my thighs, butt, belly, and everything else in between seem to be getting bigger at an alarming rate.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Got the ultrasound today!

When I first found out I was pregnant, I could not believe it. Seeing the words "Pregnant" on the digital home pregnancy test just seemed so surreal. It didn't seem real. Even as I started to see my boobs get bigger, my pants get tighter, developing a new spidery sense, and getting sick every time I ate something. It still didn't really occur to me that life is growing inside of me.

I'm very cynical, I like to think of every worst case scenario, mentally preparing myself if something terrible were to happen. I'll occasionally bring up these odd scenarios to Matt and all he can do is shake his head, and say "Megan you're so morbid, who thinks of stuff like that?" I guess I feel if I expect the worst it will be less likely to happen. So of course as soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I tried to downplay my excitement and not hype myself out.(though that didn't work out too well, it's impossible to contain my excitement, it's one of my personality flaws, well maybe not a flaw, more like a quirk) I didn't want to be let down if I found out I somehow had a miscarriage. So I told myself not to think so much about the baby room, the baby clothes, the baby shower, baby names, and everything else that goes into baby preparation, because I didn't want to have all these things already and sadly have to shove it in a closet and not look at it, for it would be a painful reminder of being pregnant. And you might think now, whoa Megan, why are you so dark about this stuff? I'm sorry, it's how my mind works. As I've been reading pregnancy books, I made sure I would read the section that talked about miscarriages, reading all about the causes, different types, etc, mentally preparing myself for all the what-ifs.

I must say it was agony waiting for the ultrasound, I just wanted a confirmation that my baby is healthy, and that it is actually THERE. I'm sure I'm not the first expected mother to feel this way. But I felt like my other two appointments were a bitter disappointments. The first appointment I was hoping they would check the HCG levels, just to make sure the levels are where they need to be. To at least ease my mind. But no they only check for HGC levels if there is spotting or if there's been complications with past pregnancies. So I was really ticked off when all they did was make me pee in a cup to in fact confirm that I was pregnant. But to me knowing I'm pregnant was not enough. The more things I read in books and on the internet, the more I convinced myself that just because I got a positive result back doesn't necessary mean it's a viable pregnancy.

The second appointment was also a disappointment, I was mislead by the nurse to believe I would hear the heart beat. I was so excited because I knew if I heard the heartbeat, it would definitely be a confirmation of knowing the baby is OK and growing healthy inside of me. But no such luck, they just ran a bunch of test on me, leaving a lovely bruise on my arm as they took all my blood away to see all is I'm a carrier for all the strange diseases. That day my blood pressure was off the roof because I freaked myself out and thought I would get to hear the heartbeat. Sadly that was a disappointing day.

Though today was an glorious day. I got to say I was scared shitless to get an ultrasound and the doctor tell me she couldn't find a heartbeat on the fetus, or that I have a blight ovum (empty sac with no fetus in it) I told myself I must keep my composure and keep myself calm, so I don't have high blood pressure again. So to my awe and amazement, expecting the worst to happen, the doctor points to the screen and says "There's your baby, there's the head, and legs, and it's moving around a lot." The words melted away every ridiculous thought and worry I had. Then she shows me the heartbeat. At that moment, I realized that my pregnancy is more then just the positive sign on a home pregnancy test, that there is actually a living human being growing inside of me. The thought put me at ecstasy and joy. And I realized I was so silly to be worrying so much.

So I've made it "Facebook" official now that I know I have a healthy little baby bean growing. And I've pretty much made this blog known to the public. I must say this is a wonderful day! Now I can't wait until another 10 weeks when I get to find out the sex of the baby!

The ultrasound pics! There really is a baby in there!

Pregnacy Life Lesson #1- Don't go to rock concerts

So here's my first words of wisdom to add to my new list of pregnancy life lessons:

1) Pregnant women should not go to rock concerts, at least in a stuffy hot indoor venue. Really concerts like this are no fun when you can't drink, and you're just raging with angry pregnant lady hormones.

Before I even found out I was pregnant, I got two tickets to a Taking Back Sunday Concert as a graduation present for my youngest brother Derrick. I encouraged him to take a friend. Matt really didn't want me to go (even before I found out I was pregnant, because he didn't want me to get the tickets as an interior motive for an reason for me to go.) So I didn't beg Derrick to take me. I nicely told him he could make the decision on his own who he wanted to take. And of course he decides to take me because I'm his favorite and only awesome sister, and he has no other friends. (Just joking Derrick! I know you do have some friends)

So anyways the concert was this past weekend, I was really excited to go, and wasn't going to let pregnancy get in the way of amazing fun! I've always wanted to see Taking Back Sunday in concert. Of course Matt voiced concerned and said, "Should you really be going to a concert when you're pregnant?" I figured I could be OK, considering I'm only 10 weeks along. But I did some quick internet research and it seemed like it is pretty much OK to go to a concert while pregnant. I wore some ear plugs to bring with me just to be on the safe side. Which I'm glad I did because the music was freakin' LOUD. (either this makes me too old even saying this or too pregnant, I'm not sure which).

On a side note, I think it's kind of funny that Matt was freaking out over the concert, telling me I probably made our child go deaf, when right now as we speak he is playing rock band with the volume as loud as it can possibly go, as the entire house vibrates, and I can hear the music blaring outside our house, three houses down. Oh the irony.

But anyways we go to this concert, usually fun spirited Megan would have an AMAZING fun time at a concert like this. I love rock concerts, I love bobbing my head up and down, letting my hair sway every which way and direction, I love jumping up and down, and singing along with the musician. I love the entire rock concert music scene. Those of you who semi know me, you might be quite shock and surprise that I'm even a rock concert kind of gal. Many people think I listen to country music and jam to Katie Perry and Ke$ha. Sorry to disappoint you but, I serious want to rip my ears out of my head when I have to listen to that horrid shit.

Well fun spirited hidden emo soul Megan was not at this concert on Sunday night. I felt like as time progressed a mean old crabby hormonal pregnant Megan that just wanted to go home and sleep infested the concert fun. I was so hot, there were over a thousand of people just crammed in a tiny room, that had no air conditioning, or at least it didn't feel like it. My legs hurt from standing so long. I felt so claustrophobic, from being skin to skin with all these people, I felt this guy breathing down my neck. And I love the occasional person that would run into a mosh pit, and start stampeding into where I was standing. I felt like I was going to pass out. Actually another girl did pass out. Instead of enjoying the music I was just hoping it would be the last song. And I hated anyone holding a mix drink or beer, because I couldn't drink one of those. Instead I was sipping on my free coke and ice chips. Call me an alcoholic if you like, but in all seriousness, concerts like these are only fun when you are at least slightly intoxicated, because all the annoyances with sweaty people, moshing idiots, extreme heat, and standing for four hours, all go away when your drinking. So when you can't drink and your raging with pregnancy hormones, it's annoyances like these that make the night seem like HELL.

So moral of the story, if your pregnant, you probably shouldn't go to a concert, unless its in an cooler venue, where you can sit, and you're further away from the speakers and annoying people.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Welcome!

Hello my lovely readers,

Well I don't even know why I'm starting with this introduction, because probably I do not have any lovely readers, at least not yet. But anyways on June 15, 2001, I found out that I am pregnant. After six agonizing months of trying, (OK you might think 6 months isn't that long nor agonizing, but instant gratification me who likes things to happen within a snap of a finger, thought six months was FOREVER)it finally happened! And I must say I was quite surprised, because I already gave up and didn't think pregnancy was in my cards. (I know you can shake your head and tell me "Megan you're so impatient, and all good things come with waiting" but I'm melodramatic like that.) So it's already been over a month since I've gotten that glorious plus sign and now I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant, experiencing the many joys of pregnancy right now as we speak. I'll spare you the graphic details... well maybe.. it just depends on what kind of mood I'm in that day.

Most people usually wait until 12 weeks to even tell people they are pregnant, but I have an extremely big mouth I just couldn't contain myself. I pretty much leaked out the information to family, friends, and co-workers within two weeks. I still have not made it Facebook official yet. I'm waiting just a tad bit longer for that.

Of course it is typical of many people to start a blog when they are pregnant, to share their joys and excitement of pregnancy, and what is yet to come. Well I hate to break it to you but my blog probably will not be all sappy like that. Maybe somewhat, but most of the time it's pretty much going to be the dead honest truth of my pregnancy journey. Actually my lovely co-worker Carrie, brought me some inspiration to start this blog. That day my filter was completely turned off (though most of the time my filter is turned off, I tell people like it is, but usually it's somewhat toned down)I was saying extremely inappropriate things to people. I blame my pregnancy hormones, they make me more cynical. So Carrie told me she would love to see my non-filter when I give birth, and that I would need to write an blog entry about it. I already have another blog, but it's not as exciting, I kind of abandon it in the last four months. It's basically a blog about doing 100 things in 1001 days, which I kind have put on the waste-side like I do with many things. So Carrie gave me the brilliant idea, why don't I just start a blog about my journey being pregnant? So I'm going to tell all on my frustrations, raging hormones, mishaps, joys and much more on my wonderful 9 month adventure. And I'm sure motherhood will be an amazing adventure in itself. So as I write blogs there will be life lessons I discover, which will add up over time as I discover them. Because after all living life and making mistakes for yourself is a great lesson to learn.

So I hope you enjoy this blog, and if you don't I'll get over it..well I won't. I'll be crying over my laptop eating some cookies and cream ice cream, as I realize I'm lame and everyone hates my blog. hehe. Seriously though if you don't like it, that's fine, at least this blog gives me a good laugh. . .